Marriage with Migraine: a husband’s perspective

Introduction to new series “Migraine. As told from the other side.”

Welcome to my new post series called “Migraine. As told from the other side.” The series is meant to shed light on how migraine impacts all of our close relationships including marriage with migraine.

While numerous current online resources highlight the struggles faced by those who experience migraine, this interview-style series aims to provide a rarely covered viewpoint—the side of the family members, children, friends, and loved ones who must navigate life alongside a person with migraine.

 As someone intimately acquainted with this reality, I understand the challenges and complexities involved. Through this interview series, we will explore the emotional, practical, and supportive aspects of living with someone affected by migraine, in the hopes of fostering empathy, understanding, and solidarity.

Migraine. A husband’s perspective.

For this interview, I sat down with my husband to ask him the good, the bad, and the ugly of Marriage with Migraine and life with me.

We have been married for a few years. When we first met, I noticed how physically strong and healthy he was. Working out 5-6 times per week. It was clear he never dealt with any health issues, much less something chronic.

The journey of sharing that I have migraine took some time. When I did tell him, he was totally calm and supportive. Having his support every day makes a huge difference in our version of marriage with migraine. His stable and calm nature can weather any storms. I am fortunate to have him. Here is his story as told from the other side.  

Interview:

I didn’t edit the interview responses and kept them “as is” on purpose. My goal is to provide an undiluted and unedited perspective from our loved ones. Everyone may have different takeaways from this.

What did you know about migraine before you met me?

I knew that it is a type of headache and that people sometimes need to be in a quiet and dark place when it is going on. I thought it is just a headache and you take a pill for it, like Tylenol.

How has your understanding of migraine changed since then?

Now I understand that it is not in the headache category. You can’t just take a pill and keep going. It is a neurological condition. There are many more nuances to it than just going into a dark and quiet place. It has a very big impact on people’s life that requires them to change careers or stop working altogether.

I was shocked that it is one of the leading causes of disability in the world. It comes with some surprising features like feeling increased productivity before the pain comes, but the medications for migraine sound serious and come with some strong side effects too.

How did you feel when you learned that I have migraines?

Originally, I didn’t understand what it was, so I thought it was not a big deal. But when you said that you have only a short runway left in your career because of your worsening migraine, it was a profound realization of how deeply impactful this is. Even understanding it before that, I was not aware of how serious it could be. I hoped it could be managed with medications.

What was the most surprising to you about migraines?

How serious this condition is.  

What is the scariest part of being married to a person with migraine?

That some of these medications have side effects that could actually kill your partner or result in serious negative health outcomes.

What is it like when I do have a migraine?

It is like an emergency to me. Even if it is 4 or 3 in the morning, I want to help. So I get up to make hot tea or a snack and bring it so you can take your medication. There is always a possibility that we would have to go to the ER and I really dislike visiting hospitals.

I pretty much didn’t know what ER or hospitals were before we got married. I was ignorant. Like that old military joke that a soldier was told he made up a headache because the general believes that the head is just a giant bone and can’t hurt.

How about the day when I don’t have it?

It is all good and normal. We can do all the things we need on those days, which makes is easy to forget that we live with migraine every day. It is always here.

What advice would you give to someone whose partner has migraine?

I am pain-free most of the time and have good health. So, for someone who is usually feeling good, it is hard to relate to someone who is in pain regularly. If your partner has a migraine, try to be more patient with them on the day they have a migraine attack. When a person doesn’t feel well, they are more easily irritated and might react more drastically than they normally would.

My job title ironically is a solution developer. But I learned that some problems have no immediate solution. I would advise you to ask what your partner needs instead of trying to solve the problem for them. Keep communicating about what their needs are.

Does migraine make me different from other people in any way? If so, how? If not, why not?

Because of migraine, you enjoy life more when you are migraine free. You appreciate the time when you are pain-free more than people without chronic pain would.

Does migraine come with any hidden “gifts”?

I see your increased productivity before the pain phase. You also discover solutions during that time that you might not see during migraine-free days.

Finally, you don’t lose perspective about life because you appreciate the smallest things. When you are paid free, you always make us experience life to the fullest by trying new foods and activities. I am by nature more of a home buddy so I would not take the initiative to get out. In our marriage with migraine, I become the beneficiary of your desire to live life to the fullest.

What makes marriage harder for couples that deal with migraine?

It introduces extra complexity into an already complex system of marriage. It is one more challenge to deal with that couples without health conditions don’t have to grapple with. For example, you can’t plan things ahead of time and know that you and your partner will enjoy them. Like vacations, and special events.

It can create an unpredictable financial situation if one of the partners has to stop working or change jobs drastically.

It puts extra responsibility on one of the partners to step up as a caregiver and also with kids.

It impacts the intimacy and closeness of the couple. It could create relationship tensions if the partner with migraine doesn’t feel understood or accepted or if the partner without migraine feels like their needs are not met. Essentially, it impacts every area of marriage.

How can a couple have a strong marriage when one partner has migraine?

Identify and use your individual strengths to make the collective unit stronger. I believe both partners bring to the table something that strengthens the marriage. You and I definitely fell back on our strengths in our marriage. For example, I am good with details and help with forms or technology-related items when you are overwhelmed. On the other hand, you are a big-picture person, forwarding thinking about various things, which helps us when we have to make bigger decisions or just have perspective when we face tough days.

Communication and teamwork are key. I recommend any couple living with migraine talk through how you and your partner will deal with all the various responsibilities long before a migraine hits. For example, the partner with migraine could allow their significant other some breaks or self-care time when they are pain-free. Conversely, the partner without migraine could step up during migraine days. It is all about balancing things out.

What is the most annoying thing I do when I have a migraine?

You complain about me swallowing liquids and that the sound of it makes you crazy.

How do you live with that? Laugher……

Sometimes I get frustrated and try to leave to a different room. Sometimes I just let it go and say “Oh well, she is in that sensitive phase of migraine. So, I choose to come from the empathetic perspective.”

What is it like to live with someone who is that sensitive to bright lights and smells?

Fortunately, I am not a big cologne user. I take more showers at times, especially before going to bed so I am clean and you are not bothered by any odors. On the positive side, I use more organic and higher quality self-care products instead of my “Head&Shoulders” shampoo from before I met you.

If you could ask me any questions about my migraine journey, what would you ask about?

Do you believe that at any point in time in the future you will be migraine free? Due to a new medication or possibly age-related changes after menopause.

Do you want me to actually answer that question? LOL.

Yes.

My answer.

I do believe I will be migraine free one day in the future. The reason I believe that is because there are finally some breakthroughs in the field of migraine medicine. In particular with the CGRP therapy introduction. We are closer to solving this problem than we have been in the last 50 years. Before CGRP, there were no migraine-specific meds for prevention. Until triptans, there were no migraine-specific medications even for acute management. Imagine, it is like having no antibiotics in the 1700s for many diseases.

With these new discoveries and a deeper understanding of how migraine develops, we will be able to manage migraine well. I am looking really forward to that day. Thank you for sitting down with me and sharing your honest perspective.

Summary:

This interview with my husband was really eye-opening because it made me realize just how much our significant others have to deal with emotionally and otherwise due to us living with migraine. What is another migraine attack to me, maybe a fear-inducing emergency to him. I had no idea.

It also confirmed for me just how critical it is to educate your family about migraine in order to build a strong relationship foundation.

In marriage with migraine, the removal of misconceptions about this disease starts at home. Finally, I was really happy to hear how his understanding evolved to recognize the seriousness of the disease and it being a neurological condition.

Just like any marriage where the couple is dealing with health challenges, you must use strategies like balancing responsibilities, discussing and planning ahead, supporting each other’s needs, and appreciating healthy days. In marriage with migraine, it is even more important to communicate and work as a team.

Don’t let migraine put a wedge into your marriage. Be mindful and say thank you more often to your partner for the small things they do to care for you. Do something to take care of them like making them a cup of coffee or drawing a bath once in a while. Every little step goes a long way to get you closer to each other.